MY PROMISE - an opening to 2016

WHAT.

it's 2016 already? and you thought i'm dead, yea me too, i am NOT though. i am still here.
just abandoning my blog for a year.

i was surprised too, when i realized i only wrote 1 freaking post in 2015.

i guess life INDEED knocked me down last year.

i feel so guilty now.

sigh.

okay.. hmm. i'm gonna start to make up my mistake with this post, let me try..

so, welcome 2016. i'm glad you are here though, cos i feel like i can finally start all over again.
all i can say, God helped me realize that everything IS NOT as horrible as how i see it. He always does, since I was just a crazy teenage girl, stupid wild uni-girl, and now sick workaholic lady.. He always helps me to see. i admit to reject Him sometimes, cos i probably preferred to see the dark side of me most of the times.

my feeling now is so mixed up. i'm grateful yet i know i have to walk further than this, to feel deeper than this and to do more than this. i know i am capable, i know my feeling won't disappoint me in this regards. it's my lack of self confidence which always got me messed up.

"you can't say you love too much. no you can't say you love too much. you can't say you care enough. there's no such thing as reaching too far. you never know the soul you can save" 

there was this one day i got a notification from this particular app i sign up. it says something like this "there will be one day where my longing is so loud that i can't help but to let it out". this is exactly how i feel every single day. i feel this deep longing to do more, to walk further, to feel deeper but i am unable to let it out and i am still waiting for that one day. i don't know about you, but ask yourself, have you ever felt that you are called to do much more than whatever you're doing now? have you ever felt you are responsible for something greater than just your hope, your dream, your bills?

this kind of feeling really kills me. 

which brings me to the point i want to talk about in this post, MY PROMISE.

first of all, I PROMISE to always TRY to take a decision. take a decision to rejoice in God, in all things possible. to be mindfully positive. not just a wish but a will. it is the easiest thing to do, to let ourselves slipped into the very sadness life throws us in. in fact, we are a loser for doing that to ourselves. if you truly take life seriously, you won't do that. you will challenge yourself to do the opposite. cos life is THAT serious, it begs to feel itself. i am still trying, i am still learning on how to do it. but I PROMISE to myself, my life, i will rejoice more.

secondly, I PROMISE to walk further, do more and feel deeper every day. I PROMISE to take an action towards it every day, to progressively moving. despite what life wants me to feel, i want to listen more to my heart and listen more to God.

lastly, I PROMISE to cherish everyone in my life. my family, my partner, my friends, my acquaintances, my enemies, i will try to cherish them, and let them know they're appreciated. though it may not always be a pleasant experience to deal with each of them, i will choose to cherish even the slightest and dirtiest lesson they bring to my life.

so.. 

guess this is enough for today. i am still this girl who feels way too much and writes her heart out.

I'm tired of all these changes. I wish there is anyone who could understand all the pains i'm going through. I guess life is not getting better...
Please bring me back to where I once used to be. This is not how i want to live..

big moments and changes

Can't believe it is the last day of 2014..

I remember writing up a post on the exact day last year, yes about how this year went about.
so lets start :)

Personally for me, 2014 is a year full of big moments. This year started off with a beautiful surprise. I and Steven decided to be together on the very first day of 2014. Something unexpected started up my year, and that is how it goes for the rest of 2014.

This year too, I have to give up my "comfort" life. I mean, university life is not that comfortable with all assignment pilled up, but regardless of that, I truly have the best days of my life during university. Friends, heart-break story, fall in love, alcohol, late-night party, up all night, restless, drunk, broke, they all happen during my university life. However it is time to move on as I am done with my Bachelor program this year.

Let's go back to March, April and May. This was the period of anxiety and confusion. THESIS. Oh, sweet God knows how upside down my life turned into when I was doing my thesis. I am gonna admit its fun to do thesis, really. Fun part is when you gotta meet up with your team mates to have some discussion, and every single discussion is a chance to choose which cafe to go to. Obviously,I chose Starbucks :D it comes to the point whereby, browsing for potential cafe is getting so extreme and intensive, that you don't really care about your thesis progress. Oh those days.. I miss them, but I don't wanna go back.

Then there comes submission day, which I rather call Judgement Day. I remember staying up until 4/5 AM in the morning because I was redoing my document alignment and introduction and all those things you need to do last minute, you know...
Didn't get enough sleep, I had to rush to printing shop the next morning. This is another disaster. That day I knew why it is important to "test print". I had to reprint my thesis like 3 times, due to alignment error. Not just I was famished, cos I hadn't had my breakfast, I had to spend more money on some wasted paper :/

As I am writing this, I feel how i miss those days.

After submission, is another big challenge for me. Looking for a job. This is when desperation, hopelessness, uselessness kicked in.
Without me realizing it, I started to change. I felt like waking up everyday in the morning is a burden, cos it means I am jobless and useless. Looking for a job is tough, and I now realize there is no need to hurry it. I mean, you have to apply for job of course, make job application is like your permanent job. Do it everyday, do it like you mean it. But, if you haven't got that call you've been waiting since the day you submitted your thesis, don't worry. It just means its not the time yet.

I myself waited for almost 3 months, jobless before i got my first job. What is more surprising is that, it is not in Singapore. So, without having much choices, and also without wanting to further feel like a hopeless human being, I took the step and decided to move to Jakarta. Oh yes, another big moment.

Its harder to move to Jakarta than when I moved to Singapore. Simply because I dont know this city, not as much as I know Singapore long before I even moved there.
I changed. Things changed. Relationship changed. Dream changed. Friends changed.

I just keep convincing myself, that whatever it is I am living for now is what is the best for now.
God is giving me the best. So no regret.
Keep moving on, keep pressing on.

I have changed job once, and I am settled now. This is the best for now. I believe, only psychology and social media is my passion. So i gotta take chance and work on it.
What will next year hold for me? I have no idea where I would go. But I keep this in mind, "You gotta find it, within you, who you really are", and I shall never be lost.

With that being said, I wish everyone and myself a HAPPY NEW YEAR 2015.
Here are some of my best moments in 2014 :) Thank you for being part of my days..

Love,

a life of season

For life itself is a life of season
Many events. Many tragedies. Many falling-in-love. Many abuse. Many winning. Many laugh. Many tears. Many screams. Many hurts. Many new experience. Many getaways. Many runaways. Many calls. Many meet-ups. Many coffees. Many late-night trains. Many kisses. Many drinks. Many parks. Many places. Many people. Many emotion.

And sometimes you are stuck with one or two, perhaps you are unsure how to feel too.
Have you forgiven yourself? For the scars remained? Have you forgotten it all? All the debts they owed? Have you let it go? Your past. Have you loved yourself? Just the way you ought to.

Can you for once, stop feeling whatever it is underneath your memory and just feel what is in front of you?
For you, yourself deserves it all too. All you ever wished.

Quick update

hey guys, so it's been awhile since i posted here (as per usual). i have been occupied with my thesis which is due at the end of this month. that.., will also mark the end of my uni life and the start of my adult life. everything has been great so far, i have done what i have supposed to do. i am seeing progress so its good. i have just finished up the poster for my conference which is going to be on 15th May. thank God for Steven, he pretty much designed everything. hahaha well, i am glad that i am not alone in this. thanks to my group mate Mardey & Denise, at least i am not doing this alone. i can't imagine if i were to undergo Honours program and did this all by myself. it seems crystal clear to me now why i never got the chance to do Honours. oh well, blessing in disguise i believe.

so here is the final piece

finger cross we will win the Best Poster Awards this semester!

other than thesis, nothing much is going on in my life right now. this is the season of the completion of my study so yeah.. i am just gonna share some lovely pics i have snapped for the past few weeks. Cheers lovely people!

till the next post, xx

dear Steven,

"From the day we are apart till the day we meet again, i will always still be loving you"

it never gets easier, this whole long distance thing. but one thing that is absolutely different between now and then is that, i don't do this by my strength anymore. Instead, i rely everything on God.
and this made huge HUGE difference to my personal life. in fact, this changed everything.
i can never be any more grateful for you Steven. i can never be thankful enough that He has brought us together. sure, we came together with our flaws, and the more we are together the more they are revealed. what amazes me every time is the willingness we sincerely have to listen to one another and to grow in our character and spirit.
and that made huge HUGE difference to how we work this whole long distance relationship out.

i miss you, no doubt about that. but to always keep in my mind that you are there missing me too, makes it fair enough :)
and to remember the days we are together in the same place, makes me patiently wait for those days to come again :)

Let's learn together, grow together, and be together until we are together.
You are an incredible partner, supportive brother, great friend, you are a good soul.
and i am glad i have the privilege to say i love you.

thank you 2013, i am ready 2014

thank you 2013, i'm ready 2014

what a late new-year-greeting post from me! it has been 21 days since 2013 left us, and yes i am still surviving.
there are many things, surprises, and blessings happened in the last few days of 2013 and in the first few days of 2014.
before disclosing anything further, i want to officially say that 2013 is a year of "first time" in almost everything. everything here refers to my study, my part-time jobs (various kind, as you may expect), my little getaway and my ministry.
2013 is the year when i got into my 4th year (last year of my university life, ironically sad somehow).
2013 is the year when i joined a couple of volunteering sessions, art festival, and a lot of other events.
2013 is the year when i got to experience 4 different kinds of job, and they all taught me something i will always remember.
2013 is the year when i finally traveled with my girl-friend, Mardey to Langkawi. yes, it was just both of us.
2013 is the year when i finally traveled with my second family, Fruity to Lombok and Gili. yes, one more goal checked.
2013 is the year when i was blessed enough to be able to minister for the whole one year. many events held, and i was blessed enough to dance for my God, never forget.
not forget to mention, i had THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER in 2013.

2013 taught me courage, resilience, acceptance, taking chances and most of all LIVING.
i was faced by so many things i had never encountered in my entire life before. one of them will be the death of my grandpa. and how it taught me to be resilient made me even more assured that most of the best lessons in life are taught in a hard way, and that is okay. it is worth it. the pain and heart-breaking is worth it.
it taught me courage. courage to love. courage to tell people that i love them, cherish them. courage to let them know that they matter. courage to say out things that i once thought better left unsaid. because no, love is not better left unsaid.
it taught me acceptance. because hey, life does not always go your way and that happens to everyone. you are not alone in this. we are not alone in this.
it taught me to take chances. i had the chance, to tell my grandpa or to just show that i love him. but i did not fully take it, i partially did it. and that is not how you do love, you don't do love partially. its either go far or go home.
last but not least, it taught me to live. it taught me to live, despite his death. death is for everyone, and live is too. its just some people die while they ought to live (not literally, you know what i meant). ps: living does not mean you necessarily have to be happy, it only means accept whatever life brings because no matter how smart you are, you don't know what is going to happen in the next 1minute so yeah. living is keep living when you are surrounded by death.

oh, i shall not forget to mention about my travel journey. how shall i address this...
man, i LOVE travelling. like so much, it has become my passion and one of my major goals in life. it has become something i cannot compromise. it has become a major part of my life, to travel, to wander.
when i wander, i am content. and to feel content, is not something you can easily experience (well at least for me). i love that feeling when your soul is connected to your surrounding. you have no sense of time, you are in the moment, entirely. you embrace every single thing in that particular moment. you can feel everything in you yet you are numb because it is consuming. it consumes your complete attention, your utter thought and your whole imagination.
i seldom feel that way. when i found out wandering could help me experience that, i decided that is something i want to pursue.

basically, that is what i had to say about 2013. now unto 2014...

God is good. on 1st of January 2014, it happened.
He decided to cross my path with someone's named Steven. and yes, we are walking together now.
we both have no idea where this path may lead us, but we are walking in faith. and we are learning to trust God, to trust that this path is the path never to end.
i am overwhelmingly thankful for everything He has planned out. i am amazed by how carefully He has prepared my path till i eventually reached this point of my life. i am amazed by how God brought us through.

"A wonderful, God-blessed, God-honoring marriage is what it's all about. and it's the potential for just that, that makes it worth the effort to do the courtship right." - boy meets girl

even if someday the courtship doesn't turn out the way i wish it to be, i will still be grateful because i know i treat him right, i respect him, and i know i rely on God all the time. i will still be grateful and blessed to have known him, because he is an incredible blessing for my divine life. i will still be thankful because our courtship is glorifying God.

"He has made a wide path for my feet to keep them from slipping." - Psalm 18:36

this is our favorite verse, and now we know just how powerful it is and how really God has made a wide path for both of us. 

here is some best memories i had.. memories i will cherish as long as i can remember..

till the next post,